


Nowhere to Stop Anywhere on This Road

by MorganEilish



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Leia is not okay, Multi, after the war, dealing with your feelings, everyone is queer and poly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:11:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEilish/pseuds/MorganEilish
Summary: She felt the screaming silence that replaced it all echo through her veins and still didn't know how to block it out. She also couldn't quiet the voice inside her that told her it was her fault it was gone - she hadn't tried hard enough.Leia struggles to deal with the loss of her planet.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Work inspired by [Lhasa de Sela's Anywhere On This Road](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUIEen5GRMc).

Leia sat outside Mon Mothma’s office reading a stack of letters from her constituents while she waited. She had a stack of folders as well and sorted the letters by subject as she read them. It made it easier later on when she had to decide whether or not to support a bill that was called to vote.

It was long past standard work hours but she was usually working in her office still at this time anyways. She wasn't sure why she’d been called in to see the chancellor. Threepio added it to her schedule while she was out to lunch with the senator of Shu-Torun trying to secure a trade deal.

The door opened and Senator Calais walked past her, his robes dragging on the ground behind him.

“Leia!” Mon Mothma greeted her with a smile and waved her into the office.

She followed her in and took a seat, tucking her work into her purse and sliding it under the chair.

“Have you eaten yet?” Mon Mothma asked.

“Not yet,” she replied.

“Perfect, neither have I,” Mon Mothma said picking up her datapad. She put it back down after a minute and said dinner would arrive shortly.

Leia thanked her.

“How is Han doing?” Mon Mothma asked. “I'm assuming he's off planet now?”

“He is,” Leia said. “Pod racing I assume or visiting Luke, though it's usually best I don't ask. Plausible deniability.”

Mon mothma laughed, “You’re probably right. Think you'll ever make an honest man of him?”

“Believe me I've tried,” Leia said drily. “Why do you think he spends so much time off planet?”

She had tried. Every time she brought up a topic that required any kind of commitment from him, he shut down. She understood he didn't want to give up his vagabond lifestyle, and she wasn't asking him to. She wasn't asking him to give up his lovers either - Force knew she had no intention of giving up hers. She just wanted some assurance that when he left he'd always come back.

Four years, she’d known him, and she still didn't really know him. Sure she knew which ration pack was his favourite, where the secret compartments on his ship were and how he liked to fuck. But she had no clue where he was from or how he was raised. She didn't know if he had any family left. She didn't know where he got the Falcon or how he met Chewie - though she was sure if she asked the wookie would tell her that. But something in her told her he was good so she stayed even when he didn't.

It was the kind of thing she rolled her eyes at in holofilms and books growing up. She really couldn't believe she was in this deep.

Mon Mothma gave her a gentle smile and reached for her hand. “How have you been?” she asked.

“Pretty busy,” Leia said. She started telling the chancellor about the trade agreement she was trying to finalize for her constituents but was cut off.

“No Leia, I mean how are  _ you  _ doing?”

Leia knew she was asking about Alderaan. Mon Mothma meant well but Leia thought it better to try to put Alderaan out of her mind - to keep her mental fingers away from the gaping wound where her planet used to be. Scabs don't heal when you pick at them.

“I'm fine,” she said, hoping her smile reached her eyes and the chancellor wouldn't press. She had no such luck though.

“Leia,” Mon Mothma sighed. “If you don't face your pain, it'll keep coming back to hurt you. The sooner you deal with it, the easier it'll be.”

“You sound like Luke.”

A knock on the door interrupted whatever Mon Mothma was going to say next and a runner came in with their dinner. Leia was grateful for the distraction and even more grateful for the food. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until it was placed in front of her.

They discussed bills that had been called to vote that week and Leia’s constituents while they ate. Mon Mothma asked how she was fitting in and wanted to know if she made any friends. Leia was starting to think it was more of a social meeting than a professional one and began to relax a little.

“I'm sure you are wondering why I asked you to join me,” Mon Mothma said after they'd finished.

Leia straightened her back and waited for the chancellor to continue.

“Next week, the senate breaks for a month. I want you to take that time off and relax a little. You haven't taken any time for yourself in the years since the war started and you need a break.”

Leia opened her mouth to protest but Mon Mothma held up a hand to stop her.

“No, this is not up for negotiation. You've been through a lot over the past few years and you need to give yourself some time to heal. I took the liberty of contacting the Damerons for you. Shara will be flying out to pick you up and bring you to their farm.”

Leia sighed. She knew there was no sense in arguing and she did want to see Kes and Shara. It had been a long time. They kept in contact after the Damerons retired to their farm to raise Poe but she hadn't seen them since. They invited her out every so often, but Yavin IV was quite a trek from Hosnia and she was so busy with her work.

“I have a lot of work that needs to be done before the senate reconvenes,” she said.

“It's a holiday, Leia,” Mon Mothma smiled. “Your work can wait. You need to take some time for yourself.”

“I’ll try,” she said.

“Good. Now, why don't you let me walk you to your apartment. It's getting late and you shouldn't still be working.”

Leia didn’t want to go home but she knew there was no sense arguing with the chancellor so she just nodded.

\---

Her apartment was a small one room flat. It was sparsely decorated with a few things that reminded her of home - a couple of houseplants by the window and some knickknacks on a shelf - gifts from well-meaning colleagues. Nothing was actually from her home. That had all been lost with her planet. Most weren't even from the continent she'd grown up on. She didn't recognize the tune the music box one of the Senators gave her played. And the book on Alderaanian fauna was written in a language only spoken in the south.

She didn't have any holos of her family or friends to hang on the walls so they were left empty. Han had offered to keep his eyes out for more items in his travels but she told him not to worry about it. What little that might be left would cost a small fortune to obtain and she didn't think she really deserved to keep it for herself. Nor did she think she could even bear to. Looking at what she had hurt her too much.

Every time she took one of the articles down off her shelf, hands carefully caressing the surface, she was reminded of everyone that didn't make it. Lives snuffed out and entire cultures erased. Languages that would be long forgotten before she passed away, most of which she didn't even know herself. She thought of gods no longer worshipped and songs that would never again be sung.

She felt the screaming silence that replaced it all echo through her veins and still didn't know how to block it out. She also couldn't quiet the voice inside her that told her it was her fault it was gone - she hadn't tried hard enough. Instead she avoided looking too closely at the artifacts and drowned herself in work. She looked after the plants, not wanting to be responsible for the death of more flora from her homeland, but rarely touched the curios.

Most nights she didn't even come home, preferring to work until she couldn't keep her eyes open, and fall asleep in her office. C3-P0 lectured her the first few times he caught her doing it but after a while he gave up. He'd come in early to wake her so she could run home to shower and change before she had to be back at work and aside from the occasional comment before he left for the night, he didn't try to talk her into sleeping at home.

She left her shoes by the door and pulled the pins out of her hair, letting her braids fail out of their elaborate coils. Her answering machine was flashing on the kitchen counter so she checked her messages while she brushed out her hair. There were a few automated reminders for meetings that she’d set up throughout the week and a missed call from Shara. She checked the time and figured it wasn't too late to call back.

“Auntie Leia I lost a tooth!” Poe’s face filled the holoprojector, curly hair sticking out in all directions. He pulled his lower lip down so she could see the gap in his teeth, pressing his face closer to the camera.

Leia laughed and congratulated him. Before she could ask if his parents were around, he was off again.

“And mama is teaching me to fly and we went up in her spaceship and I got to steer it and soon as I get big she's gonna let me fly all by myself and I'm gonna be a fighter pilot and-”

Poe’s excited rant was interrupted by Kes who pulled him further back from the screen so she could see more than just his little mouth and nose.

“You caught him just before bedtime,” Kes said, settling Poe on his lap. “It's good to see you Leia. How have you been?”

There was something about Kes that she found incredibly soothing even through a holoprojector. It wasn't something tangible; she couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was. Kes was Calm - if you could personify a feeling that is. You could just look at him and your first thought would be “I am safe now.”

She had thought about it a lot when she'd spent more time around him. She briefly considered it could have something to do with the way he could slowly and tenderly pull her apart but discounted the thought almost immediately. He'd had that effect on her even before they'd fucked.

“Work has been busy, but good. You look like you're doing well.”

“Is that Leia I hear flirting with my man?” Shara appeared over Kes’ shoulder. “Let me get this little pilot to bed and I'll join you two. Say goodnight to Auntie Leia, Poe.”

Shara wrestled Poe out of Kes’ arms with much protesting from the boy. He finally agreed to go to bed after Leia promised him she’d come visit soon.

“A fighter pilot, Kes?” Leia asked once they'd left the room.

Kes groaned and ran a hand through his hair, “I know, I know. We’ve still got a few years to talk him into something safer. He's missed you though. We all have.”

She nodded, “It’s been too long. Mon says Shara is flying out next week to get me. You two know I can pilot a ship, right?”

“Mon thought if she didn't have Shara come get you, there was a strong possibility you'd stay at the senate and work through your vacation.”

Leia laughed at that. Mon Mothma was right. It's what happened the last time she'd considered taking some leave. Every time she'd thought she finished her work, she found something else to do. She spent the entire month at her desk arguing with Threepio over whether or not she should still be at work.

“How are you holding up, little lady?” Kes’ voice softened.

“I’m doing just fine.”

He shook his head, “You aren’t sleeping. You bury yourself in work. And don’t try to tell me it’s because you are busy. I know you too well.”

“I’d be better if I were allowed to just do my work instead of constantly questioned about my feelings,” she crossed her arms.

It came out much harsher than she’d intended and she immediately regretted it. Kes didn’t deserve her anger. He was only looking out for her. But she was trying to put the past behind her and move on and this was the second time she was having this discussion today.

Kes, to his credit, didn’t flinch. He sat in silence and watched her as she rested her head in her hands, rubbing at her temples and took a deep breath. When she looked back up at him, he asked her again.

“You still hear it, don’t you.”

“It doesn’t stop,” she said quietly.

“You don’t sleep because you can’t.”

He was right. He did know her. Better than Han some days. That was probably because Han always took what she said at face value. If she said she was fine, he wouldn’t press unless she’d clearly been crying. Kes had a habit of seeing past what she said. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was Force sensitive. Luke assured her he wasn’t. He was just very perceptive.

She nodded.

“What does Luke say?”

“He's away. Starting the new Jedi Order.”

“And Han?”

Leia shrugged. “You know he's not really good at talking about these things.”

“You aren't either,” Kes pointed out.

A lump formed at the back of her throat and she felt unshed tears burning behind her nose. She took a shaky breath to steady herself, not wanting to cry in front of him, though a voice in the back of her mind told her if she were going to pick any friend to cry in front of, Kes would be the best option. He was gentle and caring. She found herself wishing she were at the Damerons’ farm already so she could curl up with him and Shara.

She started rubbing at her temples again, blinking her eyes to clear them.

“How is the farm?” She asked.

“Farm’s good,” Shara answered.

Leia looked up. Shara was standing behind Kes, leaning over his shoulder. She hadn't heard her come in.

“We have a surprise or two for you when you get here,” Kes said.

“Oh?”

“Don't pressure him, you know he’ll tell you. And don't even think about calling back and asking Poe,” Shara grinned, plopping down in the seat beside Kes.

“Yes ma’am,” Leia joked.

She stayed up talking to them for another hour. They told her about Poe getting himself stuck in a tree for most of a day twice in a row and she told them about the time Threepio forgot to charge himself, lost power in a supply closet, and was missing for several days.

After ending the call, Leia felt much better. She changed out of her work clothes, opened the window to let in the cool night air, and curled up in bed. When she wasn’t sharing her bed with at least one of her lovers, she felt safer burying herself under a pile of heavy blankets. She knew it was silly. The senate housing was staffed with a number of security guards and her door had two locks on it, both of which she locked when she got in. And blankets wouldn’t protect her from anything that got past that.

She slept better than she usually did. Whether that was because for the first time in weeks she slept in an actual bed instead of in her desk chair, or because of her chat with Kes and Shara, she wasn’t sure. She did find herself looking forward to seeing them though.

**Author's Note:**

> Do I know where this is going? Nope. But I'm gonna post this chapter anyways in the hopes that it'll jog something and I'll finish the next part.
> 
> Join me on [tumblr](http://morganeilish.tumblr.com/) to flail about how much we love these idiots.


End file.
